By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

It may be difficult to see what hunting has to do with what makes for a good marriage, but if you'll bear with me perhaps I can explain the connections.

I've treated several couples over the years who have fought bitterly over the issue of hunting. Usually, the husband has wanted to spend as much time as he can spare in the woods while his wife has complained that she rarely sees him during hunting season. He says hunting is his passion, and has been since he was a boy. She complains she feels abandoned and stuck with the kids.

This type of fight can be used to illustrate five factors which contribute to a good marriage. The first is a type of thinking which I call both thinking rather than either/or thinking.

For example, whose right about the argument over hunting? Rather than either one is right and the other wrong, both are right. Both spouses have a legitimate point of view. The husband should have time to engage in his passion, but the wife is right that he also should spend some time with his family.

The second factor is equity or fairness. It wouldn't be fair for the husband to spend every weekend, all weekend, out hunting, plus use his two weeks of vacation time to hunt and then have none left over for the family during the summer.

But it also wouldn't be fair for the wife to insist that he not hunt at all or hunt very little. It would only cause resentment in him.

The answer to the conflict lies in the third factor: compromise. Each spouse yields a bit to arrive at an agreement neither might not fully like but can accept for the sake of the marriage. Perhaps the husband can take a week vacation rather than two, or hunt every other weekend, or just one day each weekend. Best of all, perhaps his wife and children can join him sometimes while he agrees to a vacation she'd like to take during the summer.

The fourth factor which the conflict over hunting can make for a successful marriage is what I call the togetherness/separateness conflict. Successfully married couples can strike a comfortable balance between spending time together and spending time apart either alone or with friends.

Too much togetherness can feel stifling in a marriage. Too much separateness can lead to emptiness or loneliness in the marriage.

The final factor is that in a successful marriage spouses are willing and able to talk about potential problems before they arise. I always advise couples who have a conflict about hunting to sit down together in August or September and work out a hunting schedule. Other times when spouses should talk beforehand about potential problems, and how to handle them, is before the in-laws arrive for a two week visit, for example, or before the kids from a previous marriage arrive for the summer.