By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

There are three ways to heal the wounds of childhood, according to Jerry Lewis, M.D. and John Gossett, Ph.D., authors of the book, Disarming the Past: How Intimate Relationship Can Heal Old Wounds, The first is through psychotherapy the length of which will depend upon the severity of your woundedness.

The second way is by developing a belief in a God who love you unconditionally. But the third and most effective way, claim Drs. Lewis and Gossett, is by being in a long-term, healthy, loving marriage. Of course, you may first have to do some marital therapy to achieve this.

The love of a wife can help her husband heal his low self-esteem, his belief he is unlovable and his fear of closeness which resulted when he was abandoned by his father and not fully loved by his depressed, alcoholic mother. The acceptance and empathy of a husband can help his wife heal her fear of being assertive, of stating what she feels and wants, which she learned because she grew up with and angry, critical father whom she feared.

These changes do not happen overnight, however. They require repeated instances of love, empathy and acceptance to occur. And since people with similar childhood wounds often marry each other, the healing can be mutual.

This is not to say, however, that you should seek a mate to be a therapist to you or that he should attempt to be one. The healing should not be purposeful, but a natural byproduct of a sound marriage.

What makes for a good marriage, according to Lewis and Gossett, is both connectedness and separateness. Successfully married couples are capable of being both close and separate, united together but individually unique. They can be intimate without losing their individuality in their intimacy.

By contrast, the most stressed marriages are those in which spouses fear both too much closeness and too much separateness. When together, they fear being hurt or smothered; when apart, they fear being alone. They can't live with each other and can't live without each other.

Connectedness involves three capacities: the abilities to commit to one another, to be close by sharing common interests, activities and values and to be intimate by mutually sharing your deepest feelings and vulnerabilities yet still fell safe and accepted.

Separateness involves three capacities also: the abilities to experience yourself as distinct and unique, to take care of your life independently of others and to be alone at times and enjoy the solitude of your own company.

Also, important in a good marriage are equality of power and empathy, the ability to listen to each other. In a somewhat circular causal loop, empathy and equal power contribute not only to greater marital satisfaction, but also to the development of connectedness and separateness.

If power is equally shared in a marriage, couples can be close because there is not the resentment that is often found, even though it may be hidden, in a marriage in which one spouse is dominant. Equality of power also strengthens separateness because the different needs, view and emotions of each spouse are respected and taken into consideration when making decisions.

Listening empathetically to each other obviously creates closeness but contributes to separateness also by enabling each spouse to clarify who she is and what she wants and feels by talking to a caring, accepting spouse.

It is, then, the relationships that encourage both strong bonding and individual autonomy, conclude Lewis and Gossett, that are most likely to be healing.