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Enhancing Self Esteem In ChildrenBy Keith Levick, Ph. D. What is self esteem? Obviously, there are many answers. I've heard so many, I've stopped asking and have arrived at my own answer. Simply stated, self esteem is our personal belief system. Our personal beliefs define our world. They affect every aspect of our lives: how we feel about ourselves and others; how confident we feel; how negative or positive we are.
Where does self esteem come from? Many people feel it comes from within. This is not true. It is also not installed like a piece of carpeting. We are not born with positive or negative self esteem. When a child is born, their mind is like a tape recorder, recording every experience. Self esteem develops as a result of these numerous experiences. Positive or negative, these recorded childhood events influence how self esteem develops. A child's self esteem, therefore, is directly related to the relationship with the parents/caregiver(s). In other words, we come into this world with the "seeds" to develop self esteem. How those "seeds" grow depend on how they are cultivated. It's the parent's job to nurture, nourish, and cultivate.
Divorce rates are at an all time high. Changes in the family system are evident. Societal changes are everywhere. Strengthening children's self esteem must be a primary goal for parents and educators. Strong self esteem is required for children to endure negativity and be prepared effectively to solve problems. Knowing how to say "no" to drugs, how to resist so as not to become "victimized," and how to consider the needs and feelings of others, are all dependent on positive self esteem.
Promoting healthy self esteem in children through praise, positive feedback, hugs, etc., is obviously very important. The need to teach children how to cooperate and respond to the needs of others is equally important. Unfortunately, these skills have become a lost (suppressed) human trait. The decades of "me" and "I" have taken a toll on society. The preoccupation with fulfilling one's own needs and desires makes it difficult to be open to others. Empathy is a primary component of a healthy self esteem.
At this point you probably would like a recipe on "how to raise a healthy, empathetic child." My experience tells me that recipes work best in the kitchen. With human behavior there are too many factors that influence development. Parents need to take advantage of the numerous "teachable moments" - to support and guide children in becoming empathetic, responsible people.
When witnessing inappropriate behavior, for example, it becomes incumbent upon adults to teach (non-punitively) children pro-social behaviors. This includes neighbor children who misbehave. I've heard far too many parents express a desire not to intervene because "s/he's not my child." I disagree! When handled appropriately, these "teachable moments" will strengthen any child's self esteem.
Another way to strengthen self esteem is to accentuate a specific skill/ability. Helping children develop a "niche" will provide them with a buffer to aid their self esteem when it becomes besieged. This may come in the form of athletics, academics, music, or any special talent the child possesses. If your child does not appear to have a particular interest, expose them to different activities. Karate, for example, is an excellent activity in enhancing self and body esteem. Other children's programs that focus on physical and emotional development are also available.
Raising children with healthy self esteem is an enormous task. The average parent spends about 15 minutes a day communicating with their child. Ten minutes of that time is devoted to criticism and correction. Promoting and modeling pro-social, empathic behavior is fundamental to development. Children learn best from personal involvement. Take the time to teach, guide, and involve your child. We are the best chance they have!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Keith Levick, Ph.D., is a health psychologist who has been in practice for 20 years and is an Adjunct Professor at Central Michigan University. He is the founder and director of the Center for Childhood Weight Management, a unique treatment program designed for overweight children, located in Farmington Hills, MI, and in YMCA'S throughout Michigan. Dr. Levick is also the President of Goren and Associates, a training and development company. Some of their clients include GM, DaimlerChrysler, Detroit Diesel, AT&T and other Fortune 500 companies. Dr. Levick serves on the Executive Board for the American Heart Association and is well published in the area of health and wellness.
Dr. Levick is author of a new book entitled, Why Is My Child So Overweight? A Parent's Guide to a Fit & Healthy Child, designed to help the entire family become more aware of eating behaviors and help create lifestyle changes. This book is available through SelfHelpBooks.com. 
Healing Toxic ShameBy J. Bailey Molineux Whatever you call it - low self-esteem, a poor self-concept or toxic shame - if you don't sufficiently love yourself, you will not be able to find happiness in your marriage or satisfaction in your life. I prefer to call this condition toxic shame, a term that has been popularized by John Bradshaw, author of several self-help books. Bradshaw defines toxic shame as spiritual woundedness, a failure to love yourself unconditionally as God loves you.
Toxic shame is the conviction that you are fundamentally flawed, bad, inferior, inadequate, deficient, worthless or unlovable. It is a very painful belief which underlies many cases of depression, anxiety, marital problems, family problems and addictions.
Toxic shame differs from guilt. Guilt is about your behavior. You feel guilty about something you have done. Shame is deeper and more pervasive. It is about your being. You feel badly about yourself.
You are not born with toxic shame. It is a learned attitude which passes from generation to generation. You acquired it from your parents and pass it on to our children, according to Bradshaw, even though you do not intend to do so.
I suspect most of us suffer from toxic shame to a greater or lesser degree because none of us had perfect parents. However, it is often masked by addictions, workaholic-ism, perfectionism, rage or blaming others, all of which further contributes to shame.
The first thing that must be done to heal toxic shame is to recognize you carry it. The next thing to do is gather as much information about your childhood, your parents and grandparents as you can. Find out where your shame originated. Then - and this is the hard part - acknowledge the extremely painful emotions caused by your toxic shame. Finally, reparent yourself; embrace your shame; heal it directly.
Toxic shame can be healed on three levels: personal, interpersonal and spiritual. On the personal level, learn to become more self-loving, self-nurturing, self-forgiving and self-accepting. In effect, reverse the negative messages you may have received about yourself as a child.
On the interpersonal level, toxic shame usually results in a belief that if other people really knew you, they would reject or criticize you. Its healing involves testing this belief. Find some people whom you can trust, reveal yourself to them and allow them to accept and appreciate you.
On the spiritual level, the belief in a personal God who loves you unconditionally, or the belief that at the core of your being there is goodness or divinity, will help to heal your shame. These convictions are best developed and nurtured in concert with other believers.
No person can heal another's shame. You cannot heal it indirectly through your spouse, your children or your work. You must do it yourself by facing it directly, with all its pain and ugliness, and transforming it into love.
In this journey, you are the healer and the healed.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
How to Develop Self-Esteem in ChildrenBy J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. There are two goals that all parents should have for their children. The first is self-esteem, the sense that one is a lovable, worthwhile individual. Without it, a person cannot find satisfaction in life or relationships, especially marriages.
The second is a sense of morality, the courage to do what is morally right and refrain from doing what is morally wrong. If most parents do not instill this in their children, we would not be able to function as a civilized society.
Eugene Anderson, ED.D., George Redman, Ph.D. and Charlotte Rogers, Ph.D. in their book, "Self-Esteem for Tots to Teens" (Parenting and Teaching Publications, 1991), describe five principles for developing self-esteem in children and adolescents. The first is to acknowledge and listen to their thoughts and emotions since they are so much a part of who they are. Listening to you offspring with empathy says you care about what they think and feel. Plus it will create an atmosphere in which they will be more willing to listen to you.
You don't always have to agree with your kids when you listen to them, nor let them do whatever they want. You can have a different view on a situation and still understand their perspective. And you may still have to discipline them even if you better understand why they misbehaved.
The second principle, which should be self-evident, is to structure situations so your children experience more success than failure. Don't expect standards of performance which they cannot achieve. You want them to grow up with far more praise than criticism, more accomplishments than failures.
Third, give your children some degree of control over their lives. When they are younger, they can choose what clothes to wear, for example, as long as they are appropriate for the weather. Or what breakfast cereal to choose. When older, they can choose what courses to take in high school or what college to attend.
Too much control sends the message that your children can't adequately handle their lives. Too little control sends the message you don't care, so you must strike a balance between these two extremes and give them more freedom as they grow older.
Fourth, let your children know they are lovable and capable. Again, this is a self-evident principle. You should give your children daily expressions of affection - hugs, kisses, words of love, praise and appreciation. Think of them as cups of love which you want to fill with as much caring as you can.
Finally, model good self-esteem yourself. To me, this is one of the more important principles since you can't give to your children what you don't grant to yourself: self-love. Research is clear that high self-esteem parents have high self-esteem kids whereas parents who are low in self-esteem have kids who are low in self-esteem also.
There are no guarantees that if you follow these principles your children will grow up to feel good about themselves since there are factors in self-esteem development over which you have little control - their physical attractiveness, peer relations, intellectual abilities or athletic abilities, as examples. But I can guarantee they'll have a poorer chance of developing good self-esteem if you don't follow these principles. After all, your unconditional love and support is the most important ingredient in their mental health.
About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
Is Winning Everything?By Keith Levick, Ph.D. Have Americans become obsessed with winning? Newspapers report inside trading, corruption in city government, and other political scandals. The professional athlete no longer exemplifies a role model for children. Steroids, gambling, and purple hair make it difficult to hold athletes in high regard.
Even the "weekend warrior" presses hard to find ways to win. "Ringers" brought in to play an important game; manipulative strategies to "stack" a team; and entering a class "A" team in a class "C" tournament are just a few examples of "creative" ways to increase the likelihood of victory. Unfortunately, even children suffer from the immature behaviors modeled by parents. They become poor sports and develop the "do anything to win" attitude.
This mind set has created arguments among friends, produced fighting within families and ended many relationships. Fierce competition and the need to win creates tremendous pressure and stress. Vince Lombardi's famous comment - "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing" - is no longer just a motivational expression, but is now woven into the fabric of our culture. Contests are created (win/lose) with jobs, relationships, educating children and weekend activities. Competition is so deeply ingrained, it is accepted as "the way life is." With winners and losers, however, self esteem is at stake.
To clarify, lets look at a typical game. Its outcome produces a winner or a loser. Winning produces a happy feeling and sense of accomplishment. This enhances self esteem. Conversely, losing produces unhappiness, a sense of failure and self doubt. If competitive games yield a 50% chance of winning, therefore, it is structured to produce more losers than winners. Losing a game does not necessarily damage one self esteem. It is difficult for me to understand, however, how losing can enhance it.
Doesn't everyone want a positive self esteem? Both the professional athlete and the weekend warrior each have the desire to be a winner. Herein lies the problem. Many believe winning the game insures them of having a positive self esteem. These people will do anything to win. They are trapped in a negative world and are trying desperately to pull out. Like the donkey tied to a tree, however, the harder they pull, the tighter the noose becomes around their neck. They become obsessed with winning, blame others for losing and the game becomes an exercise in self hate.
For many, the need to win has become an integral part of self esteem. They don't enjoy the game but rather it becomes a time to dominate, make a good impression, and show superiority. They are generally unhappy and engage in games to compensate for weaknesses in their ego.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not maligning athletes or competitive sports. However, in reference to people who fit the above characteristics, the need to compete and win is very different from the need to play, to improve, and have fun. Such gotta-be-winners don't experience the joy and excitement of games. For them, it is a matter of pride, principle, and power.
Sadly, we are caught up in our hyper-competitive society and have lost the true value of the simple enjoyment of games. People have become blinded from the truth that the enjoyment lies in the action and the play, not the exploitation of others to raise a weak self esteem. Maybe the time has come to re -evaluate our perception and approach to the games we play. Let's allow ourselves the freedom to fully enjoy the game and have fun. And the next time you are confronted by a raging lunatic who has to win --- let him win. Remember, by not allowing yourself to be pulled into his negative world, you are the true winner.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Keith Levick, Ph.D., is a health psychologist who has been in practice for 20 years and is an Adjunct Professor at Central Michigan University. He is the founder and director of the Center for Childhood Weight Management, a unique treatment program designed for overweight children, located in Farmington Hills, MI, and in YMCA'S throughout Michigan. Dr. Levick is also the President of Goren and Associates, a training and development company. Some of their clients include GM, DaimlerChrysler, Detroit Diesel, AT&T and other Fortune 500 companies. Dr. Levick serves on the Executive Board for the American Heart Association and is well published in the area of health and wellness.
Dr. Levick is author of a new book entitled, Why Is My Child So Overweight? A Parent's Guide to a Fit & Healthy Child, designed to help the entire family become more aware of eating behaviors and help create lifestyle changes. This book is available through SelfHelpBooks.com.
Promote Mental Health: Love YourselfBy J. Bailey Molineux I'm a no good S.O.B., said the haggard young man hospitalized for severe Such an attitude, although extreme, is typical of many with emotional problems. But what a terrible attitude to have toward oneself! What an unnecessary burden to carry through a life already fraught with enough problems and challenges!
The most important trait of the healthy personality, one that is absolutely essential for mental health and the best insurance policy against mental illness, is a realistic, positive self-concept or view of oneself. The mentally healthy person is one who knows, accepts, esteems, and loves himself. This is not to say that such a person goes around bragging of his accomplishments and good traits. He has no need to. It is the insecure person who does not love or accept himself, who is the braggart and has an excessive need to impress and win approval from others.
What determines our self-concept, our level of self-esteem, is our self-talk, the silent, internal statements that we continually make to ourselves. Low self-esteem results from internal statements that we are bad, weak, incompetent, and unlovable. High self-esteem results from internal statements that we are good, competent, worthwhile, valuable, and unique.
Of course, given that self-talk determines our level of self-esteem, what ultimately counts is not what others think of us but what we think of ourselves. Our self-concept had it's origins in the opinions of others but is either maintained or changed by ourselves.' The accolade of hundreds will fall on the deaf ears of a self-hating individual who allows no praise for himself to escape his lips.
In other words, ultimately we are responsible for how we feel about ourselves. Whatever our past experiences may have been, our level of self-esteem is a result of what we are telling ourselves about ourselves right now. Our self-concept is not carved in stone and so can be changed.
Sidney M. Jourard, author of The Health Personality: An Approach from the Viewpoint of Humanistic Psychology (Macmillan Publishing Co., 1974), best puts it this way: "What you believe to be true of yourself is your 'nature'; what should never be forgotten is that one's
beliefs about self are just that - beliefs - and they can be changed"
No matter what may have happened to you in the past, no matter how negative your present opinion of yourself, with effort, you can learn to love yourself.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
Self-love Necessary for MarriageBy J. Bailey Molineux "I must conquer my loneliness alone," wrote the poet, Peter McWilliams. "I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer you."
"Two halves have little choice but to join; and yes, they do make a whole.
But two wholes when they coincide....that is beauty. That is love."
What McWilliams is expressing poetically is that self-love is the primary prerequisite for a healthy marriage. The first thing you can do to improve your marriage is to learn to love yourself more. You must have a good sense of yourself, or secure ego boundaries, to be able to meet the challenge of being in a close, intimate relationship with another human being.
Intuitively, it makes sense that you have to love yourself to be in a healthy relationship but I'd still like to list the reasons why this is so. I believe there are five:- Without sufficient self-love you won't have as much love to give to your spouse. You can't fully give to another what you don't grant to yourself.
- Without sufficient self-love, you will bring more needs than resources to your marriage. You'll expect your spouse to give you more love because of your lack of self-love. Since such a lack is usually learned in childhood, I assume that unconsciously you'll expect your spouse to make up for what you missed as a child.
I also assume that two people at the same level of self-love, or with a similar degree of childhood pain, marry each other. If both you and your spouse are low in self-esteem, you'll both be ripe for disappointment. Each of you will bring more need for love to the marriage but neither of you will have sufficient resources to fully meet the needs of the other. - Without a strong sense of yourself, you may be more willing to tolerate unacceptable behavior in your spouse. You may believe you don't deserve better treatment.
- Without good self-esteem, you'll be more likely to perceive attack or rejection from your spouse when it was not really intended. You'll be more sensitive to criticism if you don't have a good opinion of yourself, and may have trouble accepting genuine expressions of love.
- Without sufficient self-love, you will have more difficulty handling what I call the twin terrors of engulfment and abandonment. To me, this is the major reason why those who are low in self-esteem have painful marital difficulties.
In marriage, two conflicting human desires are played out, sometimes with great emotional intensity. On the one hand, you want to be intimate with your spouse but fear becoming too controlled or hurt. On the other hand, you want to be separate, autonomous and protected from hurt but fear being alone. The greater your self-love and the stronger your ego boundaries, the better you will be able to deal with these seemingly conflicting desires with their concomitant fears. You won't be so afraid of either extreme because, first and foremost, you'll have a good relationship with yourself.
People who are too low in self-esteem are unable to handle these conflicting desires at the same time. They are the type of couple who can't live with each other and can't live without each other. They often vacillate back and forth between intense love and flight and usually become stuck at the level of intimacy they can tolerate.
So learn to love yourself more. It could automatically help your marriage without you ever having to fruitlessly nag your spouse to be more loving.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
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