By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

Although only twelve years old, Sharon (a fictitious name) vows she will never marry. Why should she take the risk? Having closely observed her parents' unhappy marriage and bitterly contested divorce, she assumes that the pain of married life far outweighs the chances for marital happiness.

This is a hypothetical example of one possible effect of an unfortunate marriage and divorce on children. If handled with restraint, cooperation, and consideration for their emotional well-being, however, a divorce need not be emotionally traumatic or harmful to the offspring. Parents don't necessarily stop loving their children when they stop loving each other.

But isn't it better to stay together for the sake of the children, it might well be asked, no matter how unhappy or loveless a marriage? I believe not.

It is healthier for children to be raised in a one-parent home that is functioning smoothly and harmoniously than in a two-parent home in which there is too much conflict. Children growing up in an unhappy home - especially one in which there is bitter fighting - are probably exposed to more psychological trauma over a longer period of time than children exposed to the comparatively brief confusion of divorce. And it is probably easier for them to adjust to a divorce than to constant parental conflict.

More importantly, all parents have to ensure that their own emotional needs are satisfied "before they can best meet the needs of their children, and sometimes a divorce is the only way this can be accomplished.

My advice to those who have decided to divorce is that there are several things you can do to help your children adjust to the divorce. First, realize that your children will probably experience many of the same emotions you will have: grief, hurt, confusion, anger, and guilt. Be willing to listen to and accept their feelings. Let them know that you are available to listen non-judgmentally to what they may have to say.

Unhappy emotions are only temporary and need not be feared or shunned. But if not expressed in words, children may express them in actions.


Second, be aware of the tendency for children to blame themselves for the marital failure. They may believe that Mom and Dad had fought over them and if only they had been better behaved, things would have been different. Assure your children that this is in fact not the case. You and your spouse are divorcing because of difficulties you had with each other and not because of anything they did or failed to do. You don't want them to carry a burden of unrealistic guilt about your divorce for the rest of their lives.


These maneuvers are to be avoided because they give children the feeling that they are being used as pawns in their parents' conflicts, and are not loved as unique, separate persons. All children need and deserve such love if they are to grow up to be emotionally healthy and secure. As long as the children of divorce are assured of a continued, loving relationship with each parent, the impact of divorce on them can be minimized and overcome.

By J. Bailey Molineux

Conventional wisdom has it that children of an unhappy marriage would welcome the divorce of their quarreling parents and even benefit by it. Other wisdom says it is better to stay together for the sake of the children no matter how unhappy the couple may be.

Unfortunately, a recent study of children of divorce found neither viewpoint\ to be quite accurate. Both divorce and unhappy marriages are stressful for children. The best atmosphere in which to raise them is within a happy marriage. Judith Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly, two clinical psychologists, studied 131 children from 58 divorced families over a five year period. They reported the results of their study in an recent book, Surviving the Breakup: How Parents and Children Cope with Divorce (Basic Books, 1980).

To their surprise, Wallerstein & Kelly found that most of the children in their study did not want their parents to divorce no matter how unhappy, tense or conflict ridden family life had been for them. Less than 10% of them were relieved by their parents' divorce. Five years later, 50% of them still thought the divorce had not improved their own family lives.

What this study suggests is that divorce is stressful for both children and their parents. At any upsetting time, children need love, support and reassurance from their parents. Unfortunately, during a divorce, the parents are usually so upset themselves they are unable to respond fully to their children's needs.

Two thirds of the mother-child relationships in the Wallerstein and Kelly study had deteriorated significantly at the time of the divorce. Fortunately, however, most of the mothers were eventually able to regain their good parenting skills. What also makes the initial reaction to the divorce more difficult for all family members is that children may act out their stress in inappropriate, immature or defiant ways. This only increases the stress on the parents and further diminishes their capacity to be firm disciplinarians. Although Wallerstein and Kelly found children's initial reactions to their parents divorce differed somewhat by age, they also found some common responses.

Anxiety and fear. The major structure in the lives of these children had been rent asunder by the divorce, leaving them feeling vulnerable and insecure. Many of them expressed the fear they might be left by Mom as they had been by Dad. Sadness. Depression and grief were major reactions of these children to their parents' divorce.

Yearning for the departed parent, usually the father. Fathers were missed intensely by their children, a longing that lasted no matter what their pre-divorce relationships with their children. And even if some rarely saw their children, they were still missed five years later.

Worry. The children worried about how their mothers would adjust to the divorce, how their fathers would cope alone and how their own needs would be met by their distressed parents.

Sense of rejection. The children felt rejected not only by their fathers who had left, but also by their mothers who tended to withdraw in response to their own anguish.

Loneliness. Many of the children reported intense feelings of loneliness after the divorce.

Conflicted loyalties. Many of them also felt torn between their parents, and did not want to take sides with either during the divorce struggle. Unfortunately, two thirds of the parents openly admitted to competing for their children's loyalty against the other parent, thereby further stressing their offspring. Anger. Anger was practically a universal reaction of these children. Nearly one quarter of them still clung to their anger five years after the divorce.

Wallerstein and Kelly found that these initial stress reactions, however intense, were not lasting but usually cleared up by their 18 month follow-up visit. If handled properly, divorce need not permanently scar children even though it is initially stressful for them.

By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

Whether we like it or not, divorce is a fact of our modern life. Millions of Americans experience the pain of divorce each year. But it may be possible for many of them to emerge from the pain as happier, stronger persons.

Or so Mel Krantzler thinks. And he should know since he was divorced in 1970 and is now happy and successful counseling divorced people. He has written a book about his experiences and those of his clients entitled Creative Divorce (Signet, 1973).

According to Krantzler, creative divorce is a process in which an individual learns to give up his (or her) old life in order to find greater satisfaction and meaning in a new life. It should not be a punishment for wrongdoing or failure.

There are three stages in the creative divorce process. The first involves the recog­nition that a relationship has died, that the marriage no longer meets the needs of its partners. This is not always easy to do. No matter how painful or intolerable it may have been, a marital union provided a certain amount of security and certainty, even if only by regularity of bitter fights. Recently divorced persons may find themselves longing for the old relationship, and tend to forget or deny its capacity to give pain. This is what Krantzler calls the "pull of the past." People who divorce do so in the hope that they will be happier. Sadly in their initial confusion and loneliness, they may find themselves to be even less happy.

A process of mourning occupies the second stage. Like the death of a loved one, the death of a relationship involves a painful loss, and must be mourned if the divorced person is ever to let go of the past and build a new life for himself. And the mourning involved in a divorce may set off the same emotional reactions that usually accompany mourning for the deceased - grief; anger for having been abandoned; guilt for things said or done, or not said or done; and a temporary emotional withdrawal.

The third stage involves the gradual, painful adjustment to single life. In a creative divorce, the person eventually comes to the realization that he can live a contented, in­dependent life without his ex-spouse. The "pull of the past" is over and the present is here to be lived to the fullest. He learns that he is not half a person because single, and that he need not be involved in another relationship in order to be whole.

In short, the greatest benefits of a creative divorce - especially if the marriage has been psychologically damaging - is that the divorced person comes to view himself in more positive terms and to gain a greater sense of confidence and inner emotional security.

Two common mistakes that divorced people make is either to rush quickly into another marriage for fear of being alone, or to shun marriage altogether for fear of being hurt again. In a creative divorce, the individual first establishes himself as an independent, self-loving and self-sustaining person. Secure in the knowledge that he can make it on his own, he will then be in a better position to carefully and unhurriedly seek after another relationship in which he can find genuine love and acceptance. And the fact that three of four divorced persons eventually remarry indicates that this is probably what most people want.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

Problems of the Custodial Parent in Divorce

By J. Bailey Molineux

Divorce is usually stressful for everyone involved: parents, children and grandparents. It's a time of loss, mourning and readjustment. But each person has a unique set of problems in the divorce adjustment process.

The parent who has custody of the children - Mom in the vast majority of cases has her unique problems with which she must contend as she struggles to raise her children alone. The more she is aware of these problems, beforehand, the better she will be prepared to handle them.

Sole responsibility for the children. In contrast to her married life, Mom now has sole responsibility for raising the children. All decisions regarding their lives must be made entirely by her. Their safety and welfare may depend upon decisions she makes about them by herself.

In addition, she usually has a major responsibility to provide for the children. Child support payments are rarely enough to meet the bills of family living in today's inflationary world, so often she has to get a job if she doesn't already have one. A new job, however, may require more education or training at a time when her standard of living has already been reduced.

Too many responsibilities. In addition to carrying decision-making responsibility for her children and insuring their economic welfare, the divorced mother also has practical responsibilities. Besides possibly holding down a full time job, she still has to cook, clean, wash and iron for the children, as well as chauffeur them to school, the baby-sitter's, their friend's and the doctor's office. She could literally have two full time occupations which would leave her little time or energy for herself'.

Discipline. Discipline usually becomes more difficult for the custodial parent for a number of reasons. She is alone in her efforts to discipline the children with no one to back her up or support her. She is often so upset by the divorce that her ability to be an effective disciplinarian may be temporarily weakened. And her children may be more difficult to discipline because of their own emotional turmoil about the divorce.

Social limitations. Research shows that married friends tend to pull away from divorcing friends, both custodial and non-custodial. They may feel their own marriage to be threatened by the divorce of a friend, be unsure how to respond or not want to feel they have to take sides.

But the custodial parent faces other problems that may restrict her social life. Unlike a man, she may feel she can't be too aggressive in pursuing a relationship with members of the other sex. She may also feel, but not want to admit, that her children are a barrier to a more active social life, or may feel guilty every time she leaves them for a date.

Visitation problems. One especially annoying problem for the custodial parent is that she is usually more of the disciplinarian, while the visiting parent has more fun with the children but fewer responsibilities. As a result, he may be viewed as the "good guy" by the children, while she is more of the "meanie." This contrast can be especially apparent immediately after a visit with the non­-custodial parent. Mom may find her children especially restless, depressed, or obstinate at this time.

Lest it seem like the custodial parent has all the problems in a divorce, the visiting parent as his unique problems also which are often opposite in nature from those of the divorced other but equally distressing.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

Problems of the Visiting Parent in Divorce

By J. Bailey Molineux

Even though he is usually not the custodial parent in a divorce, Dad still plays important role in the lives of his children. If they are to successfully adjust to the divorce, they need regular, frequent contacts with him - preferably weekly or semi­weekly – no matter how brief those visits may be. Such contacts say to the children, "I still love you even though I am no longer living with you."

Research by two psychologists, Judith Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly, has shown that for as long as five years after the divorce, fathers who have not been in­volved with their children will still be missed and will affect their children's self esteem in a negative way. Children who feel unloved or rejected by one parent will have a difficult time learning to love themselves.

In their book, Surviving the Breakup: How Parents and Children Cope with Divorce (Basic Books, 1980), Wallerstein and Kelly report that most of the fathers in their study fortunately kept contact with their children, but no matter how frequent or regular it was, it was still not enough for them. Only 20% of the children were satisfied with the amount of time they spent with their Dads during the first year after the divorce.

In many custody cases, bi-monthly or monthly visits are deemed "reasonable" by the courts granting the divorce, but Wallerstein and Kelly claim their research clearly shows this is not the case. The more both parents can be involved with the children, the better off they'll be.

Wallerstein and Kelly also found to their surprise that Dad's relationship with his children prior to the divorce was no predictor of his relationship after the divorce. Some fathers who had been good parents while still married rarely saw their children later or abandoned them altogether, while other fathers became more caring parents.

Whether or not a father in a divorce will maintain regular contact with his children, depends on four factors: mother's response to his visits, his children's ­reactions to him, his own adjustment to the divorce and his second wife's reactions to his children.

No matter how she may feel about her ex-husband, it is important that the custodial mother encourage visits by the father and not make him feel uncomfortable or unwanted when he does see the children. His visits can provide an opportunity to reawaken old fights and wounds, but these will only hurt the children and dis­courage father from seeing them.

The children's reactions to Dad can also influence his visitation patterns. If they are angry at him for the divorce, or cool toward him for fear of being hurt again, this will make it painful for him to see them, especially if he is already feeling guilty about the divorce.

If Dad remarries, his second wife's feelings about his children can also influence the frequency and regularity of his visits. Rivalries and jealousy are normal in any family but are naturally more intense in step families. If the step­mother is excessively jealous of her husband's attention to his children, or threatened by his contacts with his ex-wife about them, she can make it more difficult for him to be a loving, involved parent.

But perhaps the most important factor in Dad's visitation patterns is his own adjustment to the divorce. If he is depressed because of the divorce, especially if he opposed it, or feeling excessively guilty because he initiated it , then contact with his children will only reawaken those painful feelings. If he doesn't visit his children often, it may be perhaps because it is too painful for him to do so.

But children should realize that because Dad doesn't come around too often doesn't mean they're unlovable. The problem is his lack, not theirs.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

The Divorce Revolution Has Failed

By J. Bailey Molineux

"America's divorce revolution has failed, "states the Council on Families in America in their March 1995 publication, Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation, "with devastating consequences for the well-being of children." Many of the social ills we face today - poverty, drug abuse and violence - can be attributed to the breakdown in marriage.

In strong, impassioned language, the council calls upon all segments of society, public and private, to do everything possible to strengthen marriages and prevent divorce. Its goal is "to increase the proportion of children who grow up with their two married parents and decrease the proportion of children who do not."

By many indices, child well-being has decreased in the United States during the past thirty years:

• Violent juvenile crime has increased six times from 1960 to 1992.
• Child neglect and abuse has increased four times since 1976.
• Teen suicides have tripled.
• Childhood poverty has increased from 15 percent in 1970 to 22 percent today.

In the face of these statistics, one must ask in anguish, "What are we doing to our children?"

Other data show clearly that children are stressed by the divorce of their parents:

• Seventy percent of youth in juvenile correctional facilities did not live with both parents while growing up.
• Children whose parents divorced are two to three times more likely to develop psychological problems than youth from intact families.
• Eighty percent of psychiatric admissions for children are from divorced homes.
• Seventy-five percent of teen suicides experienced the divorce of their parents.

The statistics are worrisome but make sense. The marriage is the keystone to how the family functions and the family provides emotional security and love to the children. If we continue at this rate, with 50 percent of children expected to experience the divorce of their parents and 30 percent born out-of-wedlock, we are a society in trouble.

Not only has divorce contributed to a decrease in child well-being, the report goes on to say, it has not delivered on its promise of greater adult happiness. Divorce is painful. The higher the divorce rate goes, the less likely people are to invest themselves fully in their marriages, and so the more likely they are to divorce. It is a snowball effect. Till death do us part has been replaced by as long as we remain happy, and yet people who remarry are more likely to experience divorce again.

Maybe, the report suggests, we ought to put the welfare of our children ahead of our concerns for personal happiness.

This would not necessarily entail a return to the stay-together-for-the-sake-of-the-children attitude which kept people trapped in miserable marriage, however. There are some divorces, the report recognizes, which are necessary and healthier for parents and their offspring. In cases of chronic abuse, addictions, infidelity, fighting and marital misery, divorce is a better option than staying married.

But many marriages can be saved if people are willing to work on them. And society should do everything possible to help those distressed couples save their marriages.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

To Save Your Marriage

By J. Bailey Molineux

Michelle Weiner-Davis, a marital therapist in Chicago, doesn’t like divorce. Her own parents divorced when she was child, which had a traumatic effect upon her, so she has devoted her professional career to preventing divorce if possible. In her latest book, “The Divorce Remedy” (Simon and Schuster, 2001), Weiner-Davis lays out a step by step plan by which an individual can attempt to save her marriage that is on the brink of divorce.

One of the assumptions that Weiner-Davis makes, which I have found to be true, is divorce often creates more problems than it solves. At times, it is easier to fix up a failing marriage than to go through the pain of a divorce, single parenthood, and remarriage that often follows people who divorce.

The first thing Weiner-Davis recommends is that a person trying to save his marriage giveS up some basic assumptions. One assumption is that it takes two to save the marriage, whereas she believes that a person can do so by himself. A second erroneous assumption is that conflict and anger means a marriage has failed. On the contrary, all marriages will have conflict. A third erroneous assumption is that people need to have common interests, tastes and backgrounds to have a happy marriage. Research shows this not to be the case. A fourth erroneous assumption is that love is a feeling. Love is a commitment, a decision. The feelings of love will wax and wan but as long as the commitment is made, the marriage will be stable. Another erroneous assumption is that second marriages are always happier. In fact, the divorce rate is higher for second marriages. Finally, the assumption that insight is needed for change is also erroneous. Weiner-Davis is a pure behaviorist who does not see insight as necessary to bring about change.

If you want to try to save your marriage that may be on the brink of divorce, the first thing you need to do is decide what you want. Specify two or three changes only that you would like your spouse to make in the marriage. The changes should be small and positively put. In other words, there is a difference between saying to your spouse, “I don’t want you to ignore me so often” versus, “I would like us to spend more time together.”

In doing this, focus on goals in the future, not complaints in the past. Bringing up the past is not productive whereas focusing on the future can be.

Having decided what you want, simply ask for it then monitor the results and reinforce any change that your spouse makes.

Weiner-Davis has some interesting ideas which may seem somewhat radical to save a failing marriage. One is to act as if the marriage is going well. Another is to communicate with your spouse through letters, emails, or cards. When writing what you want from your spouse you can be much clearer and calmer than when talking directly to her. Sometimes the best thing to do to or save a marriage is to do nothing, especially if you have been co-dependent and controlling of your spouse. At other times, reverse your behavior 180 degrees and do the opposite of what you have been doing. For example, if you have been pursuing or nagging your spouse, back off and leave him alone.

As a last resort, stop chasing your spouse. Pressure on a spouse who is on the verge of a divorce is counter-productive. Find a life for yourself and wait and watch to see what happens.

In effect, Weiner-Davis’ advice to those of you who want to save your marriage, even if your spouse is not willing to work on it, is to quit doing things that are not effective and to start doing things that may be effective. Try something - anything - new to improve your marriage and reinforce any positive results.

Her book, “The Divorce Remedy,” can be found at the Lewis and Clark Library for those of you who may want to read it yourself.

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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.