By J. Bailey Molineux

Do you find yourself overreacting to some aspect of your child's behavior? Becoming quite angry at him, for example, and perhaps punishing him too severely, for a minor misbehavior? Do you wonder why you react as you do?

Well, according to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helena Hunt,M.A., authors of the book, "Giving the Love that Heals: A Guide For Parents", there are reasons for your overreaction: either you are responding to a trait you perceive in your child you don't like in yourself or her behavior has unconsciously triggered a repressed memory of the way you were treated as a child.

Dr. Hendrix and Ms. Hunt are marital therapists who have extended their knowledge of marital interactions to parent-child interactions. To understand their approach to child rearing it is first necessary to understand their treatment of marital problems.

Hendrix and Hunt believe there is an unconscious choice in marital dynamics. You choose to marry someone who is similar to one or both of your parents, as a way to heal any unresolved problems you may have with them, and/or you choose to marry someone who displays traits which you find unacceptable in yourself. For example, a man who denies his own normal dependency needs may marry a dependent woman and then complain about her clinging behavior. But what he criticizes in her he denies and finds unacceptable in himself.

The same process may occur when you overreact to behavior in your child. You may be reacting to some behavior in your offspring - anger, for example - which you find unacceptable in yourself. Or you may be reacting to his anger the way your parents reacted to your anger when you were young.

In a clever redefinition of your child's misbehavior, Hendrix and Hunt argue that what you perceive as your child's problem may make you more aware of how and when you were wounded as a child. Your child can become, in effect, a teacher to you. If you became stuck at a particular stage as a youth, you may have trouble dealing with your child at the same stage. Her struggles at that stage may reawaken your own repressed emotional pain from the same stage.

In effect, just as Hendrix and Hunt want you to become more aware of the unconscious dynamics of your marital interaction, they urge you to become a more conscious parent. There are three things you can do to accomplish this.

First, become more aware of your own childhood wounds and the reasons for your reactions to your child's behaviors. This you can do by examining more closely and objectively the way you were raised, by observing your child's reactions and by receiving constructive feedback from other people - your spouse, your parents, your child's teachers or friends.

Second, become more aware of your child's needs and feelings. Be willing to listen to her rather than just lecture or reprimand her. Find out what she is thinking and feeling.

Third and most important of all, see your child as a unique human being who is separate from you. He is not a reflection of you, nor should you try to make him one. He does not necessarily carry the traits you find unacceptable in yourself. Just as you may project those traits onto your spouse, you may project them onto your child.

All children deserve to receive the message from their parent they're okay just as they are. Of course, some of their behavior must be deemed unacceptable, but they shouldn't have to earn their parents' love by good behavior.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

When a Family is Troubled

By J. Bailey Molineux

I know a family has troubles when each parent does not support each other in their disciplinary efforts.

One parent is usually too authoritarian while the other is too permissive. One is distant and unreachable while the other is protective and over-involved. The behavior of each parent stimulates the opposite behavior of the other, however, so their parenting styles become a self-reinforcing cycle. The authoritarian parent feels he has to be strict because the other is too lenient, while the permissive parent feels she has to protect the children from the harshness of the authoritarian parent.

Meanwhile, the children grow up without the consistent discipline of united parents. Both parents care about their children but express that caring in opposite ways. He's convinced he's doing what's best for the children, while she equally is convinced she's doing the right thing.

Looking at such a family, it would be easy to blame the authoritarian parent for the children’s problems because he is too strict. It would also be easy to blame the permissive parent for being too lenient. But the search for blame is always fruitless and unproductive.

I take what is called a family systems approach to the problems of children. I assume these problems are a reflection of family problems to which everyone contributes and from which everyone suffers. We also believe the behavior of these families to be lawful and predictable, so no one's at fault. It's just the way troubled families operate.

Obviously, one of the things I try to do with such families is to get Mom and Dad to agree about rules and consequences. The more they can support each other in disciplinary matters, the better their chances of gaining their children's compliance to family rules.

In short, sharply define the boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior but allow your children the opportunity to determine and control their responses within those limits. Johnny may be required to keep his room neat, for example, but since it is his room, perhaps he could be allowed to decide how to do so.

Allow your children the freedom also, within certain limits, to voice their feelings and opinions about family discipline. If you are willing to accept and listen to their thoughts about family rules, they in turn may be more willing to abide by those rules.

Finally, if you have been stricter and more consistent in your disciplinary efforts with your children when they are younger, I would bet you could allow them more freedom to control their own behavior when they are older. Firm, consistent limits with younger children builds a foundation of responsibility and self-control that should last, with some slippage, through the trying years of adolescence.

Besides, you cannot control the behavior of your adolescent to the same degree you can control your younger child. I some internal controls have not been built into the child by the time he reaches puberty, it may be too late to control his behavior. You can't be permissive or lax with your children when they are young, and then effectively crack down on them when they are older, bigger and more able to act out without restraint.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.